They’re Not Just Words…

Dear Parents (and grandparents and aunts and caretakers… anyone, really.),

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Ever heard this? I heard it quite a bit growing up because apparently, I can have a bit of a sarcastic streak (who knew?). While this statement may be true, it doesn’t tell the whole story. What you say really DOES matter, and yes, the tone matters too. Big time.

Recently I was able to help someone care for a friend’s three young children. Not just for a day, but for over a week. A looong time for this empty nester who doesn’t have grandkids yet. Now Betty (my friend, the babysitter) is like me and can get a bit sarcastic. What I quickly realized it that A) these kids don’t understand sarcasm, and B) while Betty’s tone is often a bit rough, her words can sometimes be hurtful and she doesn’t even realize it. She would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone. Listening to her made me wonder about my tone and my words. Am I hurting people when I don’t intend to?

Correction, Words of Affirmation, or Both?

Words of affirmation isn’t my primary love language. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the thank you’s and the kind words and I would miss them terribly if I didn’t get them, but it isn’t the very first way I feel appreciated and loved. Not true for one of these children we were taking care of.

For this particular elementary–aged girl, she needed to hear kind words and positive affirmations… constantly. She didn’t tell us this, but it didn’t take long to realize it. In fact, she needed them so badly that it began to cause a problem. She was always eager to help (even when you didn’t want or need her to), always eager to have long discussions with you (even during quiet time), and always eager to take charge (which meant she struggled with listening and following directions). For the first few days, her behavior meant that she was being reprimanded frequently and causing stress and tension in the group. Until I began to wonder if the issue was something else entirely.

On our third day (yes, sometimes I’m a slow learner) I heard Betty getting on to this child again. This time, the child was interrupting the flow by repeatedly saying, “Look at this. Look what I did. I’m helping by doing [whatever].” The truth of the matter was that she wasn’t helping because in her eagerness she hadn’t listened to directions. Betty had to remove her from the group and put her by herself for a while. Betty said, “She isn’t listening, won’t follow directions, and keeps interrupting to show me what she’s doing, which isn’t even what I asked her to do in the first place!”

Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim. 
– Proverbs 15:4 (MSG)

All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks. How often do we actually stop, listen to ourselves, and think about the words we’re speaking over our kids and the tone in which we say them? She’s begging for attention, yes, but she’s begging for positive verbal affirmations. I said to Betty, “She needs affirmation, not criticism.” Boom, let’s change the narrative in this child’s ears. She’s heard plenty about how she can be bossy and doesn’t listen. But what about the good stuff? There is good stuff, we just have to focus on it. I’m not suggesting piling on the “you’re so awesome” without any correction or discipline. We all know that creates those snotty kids who think they’re above everyone else… Just a balance of correcting and building up. What can we accomplish in this child’s life if we change the narrative with affirmations?

We Have the Ability to Speak Life

Words matter. We can speak life or we can speak destruction over our families. It’s what you say AND how you say it. Speak the truth but do it with love and gentleness. Temper the correction with positive affirmations.

What about our daily world? Home, friends, community, workplace. The people we come in contact with throughout our daily walk. What could be accomplished there if we change the words we speak AND the way we say them? I don’t know, but I’m going to do my part to find out!

Learning to speak with grace,