What The New Mom Friend Really Needs
“The days are long but the years are short”… yeah, she knows. Trust me. She can look back in her camera roll to last week and can’t explain to you how long ago those days seem. She also can’t explain how her baby has changed so much from yesterday, right under her nose. Trust me, she knows the truth in that sentiment more than anyone else right now. But that’s why it’s probably not what the new mom needs to hear.
When she comes to you with new bags under her eyes and wrinkles that weren’t there nine months ago, likely feeling more overwhelmed than she ever has before, she doesn’t recognize the woman she sees in the mirror. She knows how fast time is flying by and that she should “enjoy it all because it goes by so fast!” But maybe there are a few things she doesn’t always remember or get… those are the things I think she needs.
Empathy.
No solutions, she probably knows them already (because she spends too much time with Dr. Google at 2am). No advice unless she’s asking. All she’s looking for is some empathy and for someone to validate her feelings. Tell her you’re sorry. Tell her that it is hard. Let her know it’s okay to be tired and frustrated. She’s learning a lot, so that’s bound to be the case. But those hormones are likely telling her otherwise, so let her know.
A hug.
She’s found this new thing in motherhood called being “touched out.” Dang, infants are clingy (sarcasm). But really. After being physically demanded all day, she’s tired of being touched. So next time she is touched, it would be nice if it wasn’t asking anything in return. A shoulder to cry on, a hug, a back massage… without needing your diaper changed in return, those things go a long way!
Validation.
Someone to remind her that her worth is not in the piles of dirty laundry. What she sees when she looks around is poop stained clothes, mounds of dirty bottles, a diaper genie that needs to be emptied… again. What that baby sees is her whole world… the best mama she’s ever known, and the one God specially picked out for her. So remind that new mama that her worth isn’t in the *stuff* but in who she is. Her value isn’t in what she serves for dinner, but the love that only a mama can pour into her family.
Encouragement.
A reminder that if all she did today was keep a little human alive, that’s OK. Seriously. Sometimes it feels like everything else went to hell in her very own handbasket. But if she held that sweet baby a little longer, poured her heart into her, and made her feel loved, special, and wanted, then she’s accomplished her most important task.
Its hard to remember when shes rocking that baby to sleep *again* that her to-do list doesn’t really matter. She knows it in her heart, but its still hard to keep her focus. Reminding her that she should be enjoying this just makes her feel guilty for what she *is* feeling. And she already feels guilty for ordering in Chick-fil-a for family dinner when her husband gets home (again)…
So when she calls because the baby is crying and she doesn’t know why and its 1 pm but she still hasn’t brushed her teeth, maybe after you say all of the cliches, you can finish with “hey, remember that it all goes by fast… the *bad* AND the good. So it’s ok to slow down.”
Just maybe.
She’s not giving herself a pass forever, but she is showing herself grace. She loves that baby. It’s her heart walking around outside of her body… the only person that knows her heartbeat from the inside out. But this is a new role, too. And it’s a hard one at that.
